Are You Smarter Than a Zombie?

If the world were to suddenly be taken over by zombies, a la "Zombieland", I'm afraid I wouldn't last a minute. Not because I'm deathly afraid of zombies like my friend Katy, but because I'm afraid that some days, I am just a moron.

I hesitate to admit this-- there are those who would love to tease me endlessly about my bouts of stupidity, but I thought of writing this very post this morning while making coffee... right after I burnt myself on the coffee machine and decided that if I needed to fend for myself, I would be in dire trouble.

You see, it wouldn't just be in a zombie apocalypse that I would perish early in what would undoubtedly be a disgusting display. I'm pretty sure that even if there was a sudden loss of electricity for an extended period of time, I'd be one of the first to go. I read an article recently about a journalist who evaluated the usefulness of his skills in an economy that focused only on necessities (people who can build things, sew up wounds and make food would be valued, those who wrote articles about daily events would not), and determined that he was in fact without many marketable skills. I failed at being a journalist, so I'm pretty sure that makes me fodder.

Don't get me wrong, this is not meant as a rally for a pity party. I'm perfectly happy with my role in life, I'm just being realistic... or as realistic as I can be while imagining what would happen to me in the event that something akin to a 2012 disaster should occur.

Even though I go to the gym five days a week, there's no way I could work in a field all day harvesting food should I need to provide for myself. I couldn't outrun a horde of angry people or defend my home and my food supply (wait, amassing food would require planning ahead--another skill I lack). Hell, even when playing Halo last night, I determined I probably couldn't fire a gun at a target two feet from my face.

Let's back up for a moment and consider my morning-- the very event that caused me to ponder this highly unlikely scenario. Mornings are foggy for me. Some mornings I get to my desk at work, sit down, stare at the screen and wonder how I drove here while still asleep. This morning I made myself coffee. I put the filter in the top, filled it with coffee, then turned it on and walked away. After about 10 minutes of listening to it gurgle, I realized the coffeemaker had no water in it. I reached for it, resting my hand on the burner and fried the side of my right thumb. I now have a blister, and my thumb is throbbing. This is not the tale of a woman who can fend for herself.

Even if the world doesn't end suddenly in just over two years, there may be a time that I need to provide for myself and complete chores around the house that I currently depend on Tony for. Things like plowing the driveway, climbing up on the roof and cleaning the gutters and making sure that the rain is directed away from the house all seem like incredibly daunting tasks that I wouldn't want to have to do.

I don't have a witty ending to this story, nor do I have a solution. It's more a statement of fact. I suppose I could say that I'm going to try to change my habits, plan ahead and work out until I look like Dana Torres, but that's just not going to happen. For now I'll just hope that when the zombies do come someone will protect me.