Reestablishment

The name of this blog is "Constant Stream of Consciousness." When I created it about a year ago, my idea was to have a name that was vague enough to allow me to write about anything. Then I got on a workout kick, and narrowed my focus to only workout-related items. Problem is, I don't know enough about working out outside of my personal experiences; and those only provide so much to talk about. So today's post is to redefine my scope.

I've had a few ideas over the last week or so of things I'd like to talk about. Interests, strange people I see and just random occurrences in my life that deserve a few moments to sit down and reflect upon. I've started quite a few of these posts over the last few months, and I've never finished a single one.

Much of my hesitation stems from a deep shame associated with my writing. I feel like I failed in my career as a writer, so why should anyone want to read what I have to say? In addition, let's face it-- I complain quite a bit. Much of my writing consists of irritating occurrences throughout my day. There's only so much bitching that people want to read.

So in the future, I will make a strong attempt to write about interesting things without listing a series of complaints. I will continue to write about my workouts to keep myself in line. In addition, I won't hold back when I feel like I have something important to write about.

To begin, I am currently exploring options for continuing my education. Some possible areas are psychology, English, communications and law. Obviously, I will pick one. Like many people in their mid-20s, I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. While I'm not doing terribly, it has been brought to my attention that my death phobia may in part come from a lack of purpose in life. I have more to contribute and only one life to do it in, so better now to take on the challenge of furthering myself than to later regret not having done so.

I spent part of an evening last week speaking with Tony's mother about her experiences in her master's program at UWM, and I was finally able to admit aloud what has been stopping me from attempting to pursue a degree in psych-- I'm terrified that I will get halfway through the program and discover that it's not right for me. With journalism, a part of me always knew that I would not find lucrative work in the field, but I pursued it anyway because it was something I knew I was good at. While psychology is a growing field with more opportunities for a higher salary, there are parts of the job that terrify me. As Tony so tactfully pointed out, "What happens when your first patient commits suicide?" As if the mere thought wouldn't give me nightmares.

Currently I am narrowing down my options in the field and entertaining the idea of working with patients or focusing on research. While helping people directly is very rewarding, many times I like to work alone and lose myself in my work. Research would also give me the opportunity to write and publish my findings. However, as a history professor once pointed out to me, no one but your colleagues will read it, and then only to find your errors.

Life doesn't come with a pre-defined path like so many would have you believe. So many people I talk to daily are exploring new career options-- I never expected to list myself among them. I always had lofty dreams that some day I would be "found" as a writer and offered a high-paying, high-visibility job writing columns and drinking coffee all day long. I am no longer under the power of such delusions.

No, life will not happen if I do not make it happen. While my outlook remains realistic and cautious, I have felt better in the past few days. I am not as burdened by my own pessimistic outlook as I have been. I have a bit of hope that somehow this will all turn out alright.